August 19, 2023

Josh,

It was on this day, one year ago that everything changed.

The strong flow we had cultivated together froze like a stream in the dead of winter…

The dreams we held in our hands were startled like skittish mice, and they dashed into hiding...

The blood ran out of my face and the breath from my lungs.

I couldn’t find the words; my voice was stifled; I couldn’t utter a sound…

I got the call from your mom on my way home from a day trip. You were out to dinner.

I never would have imagined that the day would end like it did, and I’m sure you wouldn’t either. 

Time stood still.

I had been there before, too many times, and here I was again - staring in the face of grief.

They say true grief only comes from the root of true care.

Grief is how you know there is love.

I have grieved you as much as I have celebrated you; feelings flip back and forth depending on the day, the circumstance, the moments that come and go, and, really, it depends how it hits me.

Some days it hits HARD and cruel.

Other days it lands gently, and fondly.

Honestly, I barely still believe you are gone, and that messes with my heart and mind at times.

I still reach for my phone…

Often...

Like, I just forget that you won’t pick it up.

As I sit here, writing this letter to you, I find myself recalling that first bitter moment I came home.

I opened the door, and right there in the living room was a little laptop desk, with your computer on it ready to work, a chair from the kitchen, your sunglasses, and an emptiness that consumed all the air and vitality in the room, at least in that moment - you always lit up every room you entered, always the humble yet commanding presence of Josh Kobel - larger than life….

I stared at your vacant workstation and in that moment felt the weight of the loss.

You and I were supposed to watch the final film cut the very next day,..

We would not get this chance.

***breath***

Though I have these heavy feelings, I would hate for those to take the stage for too long.

I want this day to me more than mourning; I want this day to be a celebration of your life.

This last year has been a challenge.

We lost you, and in that, all of us who were blessed with you in our lives found ourselves also lost, unsure how to proceed, confused about how to honor you, wondering how to carry on...  

You were so reliable. We all depended on you. 

It was like everybody had to figure out how to walk again.

You held a massive position in the lives of us who were your tribe, your blood, and soul family.

I don’t know how much farther our work would have progressed had you lived, and it doesn’t really matter, does it...

I kept going, in your name, in your honor, for the glory, committed to preserving and expanding the legacy of what we devoted so many years of our lives to create.

What matters most to me, above all else, is that I have taken every step in stride seeking to do what I know you would either support me doing, encourage me to do, or want me to do.

I have taken moments to pause, hearing your input, relying on my sense of what your comfort level would be, anticipating your concerns, and listening closely for your whispered “Yes” or “No”.

Your voice matters now, as it ever did - your vote still counts where our work is concerned.

You are considered; you are valued; and you are consulted.

We just have a different communication style, and that’s ok with me.

It’s next level, really, and the signal is clear.

I’ve not found myself questioning any sense of your presence in my gut.

When I check in with you I can hear your words and feel your reactions.

I can only hope that you continue to be pleased with my service to our work and legacy.

I know that you are understanding, though raising an eyebrow at me because I still haven’t released anything, but I swear, this time we are close *laughs*,..

Well, mostly close... Getting closer... 

***still feels your unbroken stare, the one that says, “Don’t bullshit me, Jimmy. Lets get it out”***

I miss you, dude.

It’s been one hell of a year.

It would have been radically different with you in it, but at this point in the journey I can’t complain, and I am unwilling to have resentment or sit and bitch about how unfair it is.

I can only talk about you every chance I get, which I do, always finding moments to share your Greatest Hits by showing off your immense talent to those who had never, and will never, meet you in person - I often tell people that I wish that they could have known you.

I show your pure-rockstar vocal pinnacle in ”The Emperor” and it leaves people stunned, literally speechless every time - as far as I’m concerned, that’s the best vocal moment of the album.

I display your array of video acting roles, and people smile, laugh, and adore experiencing you.

Your heart always glowed bright while you were creating, and for that, I am eternally grateful that we made a movie, not just music.

The movie allows me and everyone else to enjoy you over and over again.

Such a gift to be able to see your everyday “Christmas-morning-smiles”, the way your eyes would light up as you cackled in moments of ridiculousness, and how the shifting redness of your cheeks was like a real-time mood ring - I could always differentiate jolly from angry or shy.

You display all of these character dynamics throughout the film.

Everytime you were on camera we got to meet another aspect of you, but that was always the point, right? - real stories, real people - and you upheld that virtue of the project -  authenticity.

For me, it’s all about reliving those creative whirlwinds, our glory days indeed, and I find comfort with those memories close to my chest and always in my hand - we were so very blessed, Josh.

Ours was a once in a lifetime coming together of blissful, easy, trusting, and prolific ART.

In your language, you were the “Rodgers” to my “Hammerstein”.

In my language, you were the “MeatLoaf” to my “Steinman”.

A most magickal duo, destined to be amongst the ranks of the other great two-somes of history.

To answer a classic rhetorical question, 

“Was it better to have loved and lost, then to have never loved at all?”

I would choose “Love with Loss” everytime, rather than having “never known at all”.

I loved making music with you.

I can say that mostly none of it would have ever existed without your part in the equation.

You were as essential to those creations as I was.

No two other people could have made what we made once we knew what we were making.

I loved our friendship and the free-flowing, honest, and sincere communication we shared,

It was one of the purest creative connections I ever had with anyone.

On this day, the first anniversary of your death, I mourn that which is surrendered to the eternal cycle of life, AND I celebrate your life, the gift of you

I am glad you lived, Josh.

The world is better for having you in it.

Onward and upward,...

JC