May 1, 2O23 

Josh,

Beltane Blessings, Buddy.

It doesn’t exactly feel like proper Spring yet, here in New Jersey, but we are getting there.

Buds speckle the branches, rain showers massage the land, and the days grow longer again.

Much like the flowers starting to bloom, our creation is unfurling, revealing more day by day.

Usually, around this time of year, you and I would plan our Summer activities agenda, most commonly comprising music video shoots, writing lockdowns, and recording sessions. 

This year, still within the first year since your passing, things feel less exciting.

I feel the void of missing you, and I’m missing a big endeavor to engage with - it’s like being a draped race car.

There is a definite fluctuating dynamic to the ebb and flow of things.

Where there’s stillness in some areas, there is likewise, a strong heartbeat thumping in others.

Today for example, we experienced a long awaited task achievement…

As of a few hours ago, we have a DistroKid account ready to utilize for distribution!!

So what this really means is that technically speaking, I could start releasing our music TODAY.

That’s a HUGE step for our project!!

There are still so many projects to do and some of them relate directly to you, so it’s strange to be making important choices on your behalf, - i STILL reach for my phone a few times a week,,,

We have SO much material - some of it was collaborative, some of it wasn’t…

*sigh*...  I do what I believe you would want me to do, and with your best interest in heart.

I saw your parents and sister recently.

I stopped by your house to help them sort and clean out your bedroom… it was…  cathartic. 

Connecting with your family always restores my connection with you—memories come alive and I feel you again. 

As I get to know them better, I see all the ways they were a part of you, but also all the ways you marched to your own drum while still staying in the drum line. 

If that makes sense. 

It’s been poignant peeking into your life, poignant and also enriching.  

Your family generously offered me several of your personal items, including some great music textbooks, some of your instruments, which by the way, I was shocked about!! 

I had no idea how massive your media collection was, or what a dragon you were—collecting treasure—you had so much stuff.

You never told me you had so many exotic musical instruments! 

A Ukelin, Q Chord, Bodhran, Ocarina…

So like you to keep your depth to yourself and let me be the one who shines. 

There’s a sweetness to knowing you had hidden talents.  

I always enjoyed dragging them out of you as I learned about them,....

”Oh you play Clarinet?... bring it.,.. Let's write something for clarinet and record it..”

I guess now your parents are offering up the gems we would have discovered if you had stayed… 

I do find myself talking to you, still…

Writing these letters helps. 

It’s a lot of work to “raise this child” alone, and spiritually, it’s challenging at times to find the drive to make bigger, bolder moves without you - your non-presence places all decisions on me, and that feels heavy at times.

At times I lose the spirit, then it returns and the passion burns again

I can’t wait for people to see and hear our work.

That’s the part as I have said before, that is the saddest part of the project for me.

For all of your raw talent and humble ways, I wish you could have stayed around to soak in the appreciation for your talent as a creator.

You deserved to experience that. 

And so it goes… 

We can’t quibble with fate... 

It’s not our place, nor in our power…

Onward and upward,...

JC